Monday, December 10, 2012

ASK DOCTOR HELL



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When not attempting to destroy Mazinger Z and conquer the world with his army of mechanical brutes, Doctor Hell (MD, PhD, DDS) is a syndicated advice columnist who brings his scientific and technological knowledge to the emotional and psychological problems that plague our everyday lives.

Dear Doctor Hell:
I'm 16 and in high school and lately everything I do gets me in trouble. My father disapproves of my clothes, my music, my friends, and even my boyfriend. It sure seems I can't do anything right these days. Do you have any advice?

Troubled in Tulsa

DEAR TROUBLED:
ADOLESCENCE IS A DIFFICULT TIME FOR BOTH PARENTS AND THEIR CHILDREN. MY ADVICE IS TO BUILD A GIANT SUPER-MECHANICAL ROBOT MONSTER AND USE IT TO DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES UTTERLY.

Dr. Hell;
My brother-in-law recently lost his job (again). He has used and abused the hospitality of all our other relatives, and I have a strong suspicion that he will be asking to "crash at our place" for an indefinite period. The trouble is our apartment is much too small for us, our children, our dogs, let alone a freeloading in-law. My wife wants to tell him "no way" but is finding it hard to deal with guilty feelings. What's the best way out of this situation?

Confused in Cincinnati

DEAR CONFUSED:
ECONOMIC UPS AND DOWNS ARE A FACT OF MODERN LIFE. THE ONLY REAL SOLUTION IS TO SECRETLY CONSTRUCT AN ARMY OF POWERFUL GIANT ROBOTS, PREFERABLY EQUIPPED WITH DEATH RAYS AND MISSILES, AND USE THEM TO CONQUER THE WORLD. LET ME KNOW HOW THINGS TURN OUT.

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Dear Doctor Hell:
I'm seeing a guy and he seems really nice. We have been dating for three months and so far everything is perfect. My only concern is his secretive behavior. I don't know where he works, who his friends or family are, or even where he lives, exactly. My friends tell me there's something fishy about the whole affair, but my heart tells me to stand by my man. Should I confront my beau and get the truth or not?

Curious in Concord

DEAR CURIOUS:
TRUST IS AN ESSENTIAL ELEMENT OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS UNWILLING TO EXTEND THAT TRUST TO YOU, BY ALL MEANS ACTIVATE YOUR ARMY OF CYBORG SLAVES AND COMMAND THEM TO OCCUPY ALL THE STRATEGIC AREAS IN THE METROPOLITIAN AREA. WITH THE CITY PARALYZED, NOTHING CAN HALT YOUR ATTACK ON THE SCIENCE CENTER, AND SOON THE SECRET OF Z-ALLOY WILL BE YOURS.

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Dear Dr. Hell:
My wife and I have been happily married for fifteen years. Lately, though, things have changed. She's been strangely distant to me, she's been spending a lot of time on internet chat rooms and on business trips. She's been receiving gifts and flowers from 'anonymous admirers' and I don't want to sound suspicious, but the many hang-up phone calls we've been receiving aren't making me feel any better. Set me straight, Dr. Hell. Am I being paranoid, or is my wife having an affair?

Disturbed in Duluth

DEAR DISTURBED:
MARITAL FIDELITY IS THE CORNERSTONE OF OUR SOCIETY AND SHOULD NOT BE QUESTIONED LIGHTLY. ONCE YOUR ARMY OF MECHANICAL MONSTER ROBOTS HAS SWEPT ALL OPPOSITION FROM THE SKIES, ALL THAT REMAINS IS TO WIPE OUT THE POCKETS OF RESISTANCE THAT WILL NATURALLY FORM AROUND MILITARY BASES, STRATEGIC LOCATIONS SUCH AS BRIDGES OR DAMS, AND OF COURSE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH INSTITUTES. LUCKILY YOUR SUPER ROBOTS WILL OF COURSE BE EQUIPPED WITH EVERY FORM OF DESTRUCTION OUR TWISTED SCIENCE CAN FORMULATE - PARTICLE BEAMS, FLAME PROJECTORS, EXTENSIBLE BATTERING-RAM LIMBS, AND ROCKET-PROPELLED FISTS. AND DON'T FORGET, IN THE HANDS OF A SUPER-MECHANICAL MONSTER ROBOT, EVEN PRIMITIVE WEAPONS LIKE SWORDS AND CLUBS CAN BE USED TO GREAT ADVANTAGE. WITH ANY LUCK, THE SHATTERED REMNANTS OF MANKIND WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SUBMIT TO YOUR EVERY WHIM.

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Dr. Hell:
I'm currently in the process of constructing my own super-mechanical giant robot. Up until now assembly has been picture-perfect - even the robot's laser eyes and forehead drill were no problem to install. However, I'm having some serious troubles with the universal joint assembly in the third armature framework's positive feedback power supply arrangement. Can you give a novice monster-robot builder some tips?

Stuck in Stovington

DEAR STUCK:
I'M TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE WITH RELATIONSHIP AND EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS HERE, NOT ACT AS A "ASK ANDY" FOR BACKYARD MECHANICS. PLEASE DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH QUESTIONS OF THIS NATURE.

HOWEVER, YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT UNIVERSAL JOINT ASSEMBLIES IN THE THIRD ARMATURE ARE ESSENTIALLY POINTLESS. IN ANY TRUE GIANT-ROBOT COMBAT SITUATION THE SLIGHT INCREASE IN RANGE OF MOTION BROUGHT ABOUT BY THIS UNIVERSAL JOINT WILL BE MORE THAN COUNTERED BY YOUR OPPONENT'S POWERFUL ROCKET PUNCH OR THE SLASHING CUT OF THE SHARPENED WING OF HIS JET SCRAMBLER, OR, HEAVEN FORBID, THE IRRESTIBLE DESTRUCTION OF THE BREAST FIRE HEAT BEAM. I WOULD CONCENTRATE ON MORE POWERFUL WEAPONS SYSTEMS AND LEAVE FULL MOTION TO THOSE ROBOTS THAT AREN'T CONCERNED WITH WORLD DOMINATION. LET ME KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT.

Dr. Hell’s column appears every week in 87 newspapers worldwide.  He is NOT a medical doctor, and yet millions have found his advice helpful.  If you have a question for Dr. Hell, feel free to contact him at:  Doctor Hell, Hell Island, Somewhere In The Ocean, or email him care of Let’s Anime via terebifunhouse@gmail.com.